After your death I made of this blog the place where I could talk to you; tell you what was going on in my mind. I got lost – and in a way I think I still am – and needed some kind of relieve. This was my relieve, my therapy, sort of saying…

I’ll never stop loving you and talking to you my love, but I will stop doing it here. From now on nobody will know what I feel anymore. I’ve always given myself too much. I won't expose you or myself here anymore, not with strangers.

I miss you Lea, always. I will always love you.

Tonight I woke up laughing. I dreamt of you once more, but this time you were really there with me, in Slovakia, in your house. Of course the house was different, and among your family there were other people that didn’t belong there. But you were there, for me, and it was really you. I could see your face, touch you, feel your love.

In this dream I had a plane to catch, to bring me back to Portugal. But this time I stayed. This time I didn’t left you, and that was why I was so happy. That is why I laughed and woke up laughing. I’m just sorry this time it was too late… I love so, but so much. No-one has an idea of how I wish I could hold you in my arms once more…

I’ve been feeling so, but so lonely! I’ve been feeling so sad... But the funny thing is that the lonelier and sadder I feel the more I joke, the more I try to laugh. Everybody thinks I’m OK, so let’s try not to disappoint everybody, right? Others don’t like sad people… it makes them uncomfortable. Maybe it reminds them there’s nothing to laugh about their lives too…

You dared to love me once, I will love you always.

I wonder if we will be together again one day. I miss you no matter where I am. I miss your warmth.

My love, a long time has passed since last I wrote you. But you never left my thoughts, mostly at night, when I go to bed and dream of you there. I always wish you there with me, every night, and no-one else.

I'm back in Angola now, for a new job... maybe a new life, I don't know. It is hard - although it's my birth country - but not as hard as having lost you. Not even close! Nothing compares to that, and I only wish you were alive and I could be here, or anywhere else in this world, but with you...

I love you so much still. It's just like I believe you can still come to me. I miss you.

Happy birthday my love.

You’d be 30 today, and I only wish I could spend this day with you, and only you. At least people will always remember you young and beautiful, what more can I say at a time like this? You have no idea how I miss you Lea. I just wish I could be there to give you some flowers, but in my life things never turn out the way I think they should, the way I expected, and for that I really am sorry. It hurts me to be here, away from the place you’ll always be, but presently things don’t hurt me anymore the way they used to. I don’t care anymore, I suppose. I just care about you, and miss you more each day.

I really love you.

I have dreamt of you again Lea. Well, at least I’ve had one more dream I can remember, for I don’t know how many times I’ve dreamt of you. This time I was with a friend (can’t remember who) in some sort of ruined ancient Roman village that reminded me Erculanum, in Italy. Initially I was in a high position and I looked down to the village. It was small, cornered by a rapid stream, and I begun walking down a stairway to reach the streets. When I finally did I found myself amidst a graveyard full of tiny gravestones. It was very ancient, covered with wild vegetation, and I felt like a giant in there, afraid of stepping something important. By that time I was alone in there, and the sound of the stream was louder.

Suddenly I turned my eyes to the part of the village closest to the water stream and, sitting over a ruined wall and facing the water, there you were, beautiful and alone, as I remember you from some of my cherished memories of Latvia! After an initial shock, and somehow knowing I was not allowed to talk to you or get any closer, I surrounded you and leaned myself, silent and once again with a friend, to a wall right in front of you. I remember having told the person I was with that you were still my love, that you looked just like I remember you and that I missed you as I never knew I could miss someone. I also felt a deep sadness not to be able to reach you and hold you.

You never looked at me during that dream. Instead, you lowered your eyes to the ground and all I could do was catching brief glimpses of your familiar face, as the breeze rearranged the hair hiding your expression from me. I then woke up. It was brief, it was sad, it was painful, but it was also the best I can expect from my life now.

It’s almost Christmas again. A year has almost passed since I went to Slovakia to spend Christmas with you. I don’t miss you more now Lea, but I miss you specially. I love you still, I'll love you always.