How can you love me now Lea? Days go by without easing things for me, without bringing me the peace of mind and hope I would need to go on. I miss you more and more, and each new day brings with it a stronger pain. When I wake up in the morning and realize a new day has risen I feel so depressed and sad, so anxious and lonely, that I wish I could again close my eyes and sink in a deep unending sleep. I miss your pretty face, I miss your smile and your gentle touch, I miss our conversations and kissing you, I miss we joking with each other and having you in my life, I miss you loving me, I miss writing you something and know there would be an answer, I miss our plans together and, most of all, I miss my beautiful friend! A friend I made, so late in life, so beautiful and loving, which left me so soon.

 

I’m yours. I love you.

Everything is wrong. I'm missing you more each day. I have never felt so lonely or lost my entire life. How can all be so wrong?

Remember this night in Vlkanová, this photograph? December 30^th, 2008, when you taught me how to ice-skate. Just you and me, the cold December night falling fast, that deserted lake and the sky so full of stars. I felt on my back so many times, over the rocky ice, but I actually did it! I was ice-skating with you my love! And when, dark already, you approached me in the middle of the lake to kiss me that was pure magic! That was romance! That was so much more than any place my imagination has taken me! Lea, that was the most beautiful moment of my life! I want to thank you, over and over again, for everything you gave me, for everything you made me feel. I have no words to tell you how I miss you...

The irony: Vlkanová, the small village where this night happened, where the most beautiful night I ever lived happened, is the place where you're now resting for all eternity... as if I needed some other reason to remember Vlkanová for the rest of my life...

As soon as I can, my love, I will return to Vlkanová again to give you some flowers. I don't know when I will be able to do it, for sometimes I don't even have enough to eat this days, but I will. I promise.

If I could just go back to January, to the day I saw you for the last time, I would say goodbye to you properly. We deserve to say goodbye again. You deserved hearing all I wanted to say but haven’t had the time. We all live our lives without knowing which moment will be the last. I died too Lea, do you know that? I was never much, I always hated my life, but now I’m really nothing. I still consider this world as the most beautiful miracle, but I’m so tired of it. All I want is to sleep. Not having you here is painful and much too awful for me to believe in a future and hope for something. I don’t believe anymore, and also I don’t want to believe. You made me believe again! You were sweetness, you were love itself, and I just wish I could say goodbye to you once more. The way I see it, I owe you! I love you Lea.

I’ve been acting like a jerk lately. I’ve tried to be good and life always took everything away from me. Maybe if I start acting like a jerk life finally leaves me alone… at least it should leave me alone. Just because I don’t write you as much as I did it doesn’t mean I’m forgetting you Lea. On the contrary, each day is worse. And I can imagine it will go on. I love you.

Sometimes, in nights I am missing you the most, I go to bed and just remember… And it’s amazing the amount of little details of moments we’ve lived I can still remember, like last night, when I don’t even remember having stood awake for long. I just thought of you, and although it still hurts it was refreshing also, and I immediately felt asleep and dreamt a lot. Unfortunately I don’t remember what I’ve dreamt about, but I can tell you that if I could always dream of you I would gladly sleep forever. I miss you so much Lea.

I’ve been feeling worse each day. Each day I’ve been feeling lonelier, you know that. I believe in nothing, I want nothing, although I keep dreaming. But my dreams disgust me now. I’m sorry for being so empty. I miss you Lea, so much...