Hello my love. Today was a very strange day. I’m kind of sick and I was feverish the whole night. I managed to sleep well, though. But ever since I woke up, late, I’ve been feeling very sad.

Today, I don’t quite understand why, I felt you very close and I missed you more than usual. Or at least I missed you differently, because every little thing made my emotions burst. Maybe this is due to the coming of my departure to Slovakia to be with you, I don’t know. The prospect of making the same long journey I once did but not having you in the end waiting for me hurts me a lot, it’s true. But you’ll never be an old toy, and besides loving you I also respected you immensely. And you were aware of that. So, as a sign of many many things, amongst which my eternal love and respect, I will make this journey again to be with you one more time. I know you would do the same for me Lea.

I love you. And you’ll never know how I miss you…

Hello my love. It’s Friday, again. Time never stops here, and lately it feels it’s been passing very slowly. It seems so long ago the day I received the tragic news of your death. I received those awful news exactly three weeks ago, only six days after the accident. I was still living my life for six days – although worried about not having news from you for so long – and you were not here anymore...

So it’s Friday again, and tomorrow four weeks would have passed since the day that accident happened. One month! Already an eternity! Each day in this world, a world where you exist no more, will seem forever... I wonder how I will miss you some years from now. I wonder how I’ll remember you if I reach old age. I wonder so many things lately...

I love you Lea.

Memory is a funny thing: what we remember, and how we remember it, never ceases to surprise me.

After I came from Slovakia, in the beginning of January, I spent a few days with very good friends of mine in Porto. I’ve told you about them (how I wish now that you’ve met). And while I was there, one day we went to a store and I found myself looking for a small thermal cup in which to keep warm my coffee or tea.

When I met you in Latvia I remember you always carried one of that everywhere. And I was looking for one like yours because, maybe, I wanted to be more like you! Maybe I wanted more and more things that would identify me with you! I don’t know…

This night – again full of dreams of which I can’t remember, as most of my nights lately – I woke up with a fading memory of a dream: I was searching the internet and I had finally found a thermal cup exactly like yours! It was exactly the same, and I wanted to buy it… I woke up before I bought it Lea. Does it have a meaning? Or am I simply missing you?

Exactly a week from today I’ll be in Banská Bystrica, at your grave, and I am scared. Be with me, please. I will love you always.

I’ve been working on archaeological sites, as I’ve told you. I’ve been digging up skeletons from medieval times. That’s what most anthropologists do, and I am one of them. Since December I’ve stop doing that, but while I was doing it sometimes I wondered, and sometimes I imagined who those men, women and children were…

Maybe one day, in the future, someone will do the same in the place where you are. Maybe one day, in the future, someone will take you out from the ground… And that person will never know how loved you were. They will never imagine how much love someone was feeling for you. Someone will touch your bones without knowing anything about you, without knowing how beautiful and sweet you were, without having the right to touch you… If that day comes please remember I love you. Please try to let go and just come to me.

I will love you Lea, always, even if the world thinks I’m just a fool.

My love, I just realised I will grow old, while you'll always be 29... You're always be beautiful.

I won’t let you die Lea. Little by little I start to forget your expressions, your face, your smile… I always had this problem, you knew it. I can’t hold physical traits for long. So, very often, I need to look at one of your photographs. And then I feel this urge to cry, I am sorry. I don’t even know anymore if it is for you that I cry, or me, or us. I just feel this isn’t right. This is not fair – assuming fairness had a place in this world. But God is a joke.

The moments we had were the most magical moments any human being could have. And they happened to us! And they were so precious that I don’t really know if I want to live my life in their absence anymore. Will I love again? And if I do, what will that say about me? Won’t I be just another biological being, with feelings left aside to a second plan? Where will humanity, then, fit in me?

The idea of loving again hurts me as much as the idea of not experiencing love anymore in my life. But if I love again who will I be loving for real, some other person? How can I stop loving you? Will I ever be honest with others? Does it matter?

A million thoughts cross my mind every instant, and lately I’ve been remembering fragile moments of ours. Suddenly, they just find a way to my mind, and there they are! There YOU are again! And it is painful to realize they will never cease to be only memories.

I remembered the day I gave you your Christmas present: you opened it sitting on my lap and we just stood there kissing. If kissing had a meaning that was it! I felt you as something much too precious to touch, to put in words. The way we kissed and touched each other was just like as if we didn’t belong to this world anymore. We were so distant from it! And we just stood there, for what seemed hours, and the warmth of your body made me wish to have a daughter just like you. I love you and, at the same time, wished you were my daughter! I loved you completely. And now, how many boxes will I need to store away all this emotions? I don’t want to let you go Lea. I don’t want to let you die. Please don’t die my love.

You would only die if everyone who loved you would stop doing so, if they would stop remembering. But don’t be afraid, even if everyone else stops remembering you… You will always have me. As long as I live I won’t let you go, I won’t let you die. I love you so much, still, that my life will be nothing more than my love for you. I may even love again, but my love for you will always be a constant, maybe my damnation… I don’t care. There’s nothing in this world that can take that away from me.

I miss you so much! At least you will never know how hard it is to miss someone as much as I miss you…

My sweet princess, since you died I’m restless, you know that. And at night I have strange dreams which I can’t remember when I wake up. Tonight it happened again: I woke up shouting from a bad dream in the middle of the night. I woke up terrified. Last week the same thing happened, and I don’t remember nothing like this ever since I was a kid… And it's always in the middle of the night, when all is quiet and it seems the world does not exist. I wish I could shout your name during the night, for you to come and take all this ghosts away from here. Because I'm in love with an angel...

I love you Lea. I promise I will never, ever, stop loving you. Help me keep that promise my love, because I do need help now.