Since I was informed of your death, my little princess, I always sleep with a small candle by my side. The only pause I took in doing this was when I went back to Slovakia to your burial. Apart from that week I’ve been doing it every night, I don’t even know why. Once, when we met in Latvia, you told me you didn’t believe in God, during the visit to that big sanctuary near the Russian border. I was never a believer, too, and I told you that. Now it would seem even harder to believe in such an idea, in such a cruel and ruthless entity. But that’s not the point. I never believed in God when you were alive and it’s no now, that you’re gone from this world, that I will start. At the most I would believe God only to have someone to blame or hate, I think. 

 

Maybe I just keep that candle lit to take some of my own fears away. Or maybe it's even simpler and I do it just to see the little straw Christmas angel you gave me before I close my eyes each night, or whenever I open them while having trouble to sleep. Anyway, that’s something I do now I’ve never had the habit of doing. Little details, little rituals and little thoughts each day that trick me into the impression that things can still change. Maybe deep inside I just want to point you the way in the night towards me. Maybe that’s one fantasy I will never be capable of letting go Lea, because I still love you and miss you so much. Maybe I need to believe there's still time.

More life...

How can you love me now Lea? Days go by without easing things for me, without bringing me the peace of mind and hope I would need to go on. I miss you more and more, and each new day brings with it a stronger pain. When I wake up in the morning and realize a new day has risen I feel so depressed and sad, so anxious and lonely, that I wish I could again close my eyes and sink in a deep unending sleep. I miss your pretty face, I miss your smile and your gentle touch, I miss our conversations and kissing you, I miss we joking with each other and having you in my life, I miss you loving me, I miss writing you something and know there would be an answer, I miss our plans together and, most of all, I miss my beautiful friend! A friend I made, so late in life, so beautiful and loving, which left me so soon.

 

I’m yours. I love you.

Everything is wrong. I'm missing you more each day. I have never felt so lonely or lost my entire life. How can all be so wrong?

Remember this night in Vlkanová, this photograph? December 30^th, 2008, when you taught me how to ice-skate. Just you and me, the cold December night falling fast, that deserted lake and the sky so full of stars. I felt on my back so many times, over the rocky ice, but I actually did it! I was ice-skating with you my love! And when, dark already, you approached me in the middle of the lake to kiss me that was pure magic! That was romance! That was so much more than any place my imagination has taken me! Lea, that was the most beautiful moment of my life! I want to thank you, over and over again, for everything you gave me, for everything you made me feel. I have no words to tell you how I miss you...

The irony: Vlkanová, the small village where this night happened, where the most beautiful night I ever lived happened, is the place where you're now resting for all eternity... as if I needed some other reason to remember Vlkanová for the rest of my life...

As soon as I can, my love, I will return to Vlkanová again to give you some flowers. I don't know when I will be able to do it, for sometimes I don't even have enough to eat this days, but I will. I promise.