Since I was informed of your death, my little princess, I always sleep with a small candle by my side. The only pause I took in doing this was when I went back to Slovakia to your burial. Apart from that week I’ve been doing it every night, I don’t even know why. Once, when we met in Latvia, you told me you didn’t believe in God, during the visit to that big sanctuary near the Russian border. I was never a believer, too, and I told you that. Now it would seem even harder to believe in such an idea, in such a cruel and ruthless entity. But that’s not the point. I never believed in God when you were alive and it’s no now, that you’re gone from this world, that I will start. At the most I would believe God only to have someone to blame or hate, I think. 

 

Maybe I just keep that candle lit to take some of my own fears away. Or maybe it's even simpler and I do it just to see the little straw Christmas angel you gave me before I close my eyes each night, or whenever I open them while having trouble to sleep. Anyway, that’s something I do now I’ve never had the habit of doing. Little details, little rituals and little thoughts each day that trick me into the impression that things can still change. Maybe deep inside I just want to point you the way in the night towards me. Maybe that’s one fantasy I will never be capable of letting go Lea, because I still love you and miss you so much. Maybe I need to believe there's still time.