segunda-feira, 3 de agosto de 2009

Hello my love. It’s been a long time since last I wrote to you, I know. But this is not the only place in which I talk to you. Far from it, and you know that. The truth is that I miss you everyday. I won’t say I miss you more every day, how could I say that? These things can’t be measured. But I do miss you terribly, and every day it’s stranger, every day I feel more hollow and sorrowful. Every night I imagine you, I imagine I’m lying there with you, that I’m not alone and never will be... But then I feel all that silence around me, and I search you with an arm in bed hoping for a miracle that never comes. Then I tend to get exhausted and eventually give up and sleep. When I wake up, everyday, my first reaction is disappointment towards life itself.


I’m a mess. At first the pain was unimaginable, and tears were always finding their way out of me. Now it’s different. I don’t cry anymore. I can’t, although my eyes still feel tears coming very often. Now I just miss you too much and feel so lonely. Sometimes I just want to go on with things here, try to have a life, try to feed myself out of my grief and anger. Other times I just which I had in me the strength to give up, because no matter what I’ll never have you again in my arms. No matter what I do, never again I’ll be able to kiss you, to take your hair out of your eyes as I used to do... In a way, go on living feels like treating like trash our moments and our plans together.


I’m going away from Portugal for a time. I’ll try to give a rest to myself for some time. I’ll be away from telephones, from computers, from my family, from friends who don’t understand how I need to be alone and keep calling me; keep talking to me about things I don’t want to hear anymore; keep inviting me to things I don’t want to do anymore; keep believing I’m the same. Well Lea, I’m sure I'm not the same, that I will never be the same. You were so much more than a girlfriend to me! You were many of my infant dreams made flesh! I will never be the same, partly because I don’t want to go back being the person that I was, someone who did not knew you.


I don’t want to be alone. But every time I’m with someone I feel so tired. I feel I’m acting to be a mix of the person I am now and the person others met once, somewhere in the past. It just takes all the strength out of me, although, I repeat, I don’t want to be alone. I’m just so scared of life without you here.


So I’ll be away for some time my love. I’m not going to the mountains that you loved so much – how I wish I would… Everyday I dream with snow and our Christmas in Slovakia. I’m going to escape Portugal for a while, but to the north, and try just to stare at the sea. Come.


I love you and I miss you always.