After your death I made of this blog the place where I could talk to you; tell you what was going on in my mind. I got lost – and in a way I think I still am – and needed some kind of relieve. This was my relieve, my therapy, sort of saying…

I’ll never stop loving you and talking to you my love, but I will stop doing it here. From now on nobody will know what I feel anymore. I’ve always given myself too much. I won't expose you or myself here anymore, not with strangers.

I miss you Lea, always. I will always love you.

Tonight I woke up laughing. I dreamt of you once more, but this time you were really there with me, in Slovakia, in your house. Of course the house was different, and among your family there were other people that didn’t belong there. But you were there, for me, and it was really you. I could see your face, touch you, feel your love.

In this dream I had a plane to catch, to bring me back to Portugal. But this time I stayed. This time I didn’t left you, and that was why I was so happy. That is why I laughed and woke up laughing. I’m just sorry this time it was too late… I love so, but so much. No-one has an idea of how I wish I could hold you in my arms once more…

I’ve been feeling so, but so lonely! I’ve been feeling so sad... But the funny thing is that the lonelier and sadder I feel the more I joke, the more I try to laugh. Everybody thinks I’m OK, so let’s try not to disappoint everybody, right? Others don’t like sad people… it makes them uncomfortable. Maybe it reminds them there’s nothing to laugh about their lives too…

You dared to love me once, I will love you always.

I wonder if we will be together again one day. I miss you no matter where I am. I miss your warmth.

My love, a long time has passed since last I wrote you. But you never left my thoughts, mostly at night, when I go to bed and dream of you there. I always wish you there with me, every night, and no-one else.

I'm back in Angola now, for a new job... maybe a new life, I don't know. It is hard - although it's my birth country - but not as hard as having lost you. Not even close! Nothing compares to that, and I only wish you were alive and I could be here, or anywhere else in this world, but with you...

I love you so much still. It's just like I believe you can still come to me. I miss you.

Happy birthday my love.

You’d be 30 today, and I only wish I could spend this day with you, and only you. At least people will always remember you young and beautiful, what more can I say at a time like this? You have no idea how I miss you Lea. I just wish I could be there to give you some flowers, but in my life things never turn out the way I think they should, the way I expected, and for that I really am sorry. It hurts me to be here, away from the place you’ll always be, but presently things don’t hurt me anymore the way they used to. I don’t care anymore, I suppose. I just care about you, and miss you more each day.

I really love you.