Even in my sleep you seem not to leave my thoughts. This night you came again, although I remember only some fragments. I know it was you, though; there was something in the dream that belonged to you... Thank you!

I miss you Lea...

Today the hour changed! Summer hours are here and the days are getting warmer and longer. Spring is filling everything with flowers and their scents. How I wish I could be there to put more flowers on your grave. I know how you loved flowers and nature but, then again, you are amidst nature now, and the place you’re at is quite beautiful and peaceful, with all those birds around you…

I just wanted to send you a kiss today Lea, to tell you I’m still here, tell you I won’t forget. For the sake of what we had, which I will always keep.

Bodrú noc Lea, môj laska.

It’s Saturday, again, and I’m not with you Lea. Now time, for me, is like an endless lonely road away from you, and I have no choice but walk that road… I sense you behind, and in front of me there's nothing now. Fortunately nobody’s listening when I miss you. Fortunately nobody's here.

You were much too beautiful Lea; you were an amazing human being, and this world will miss you. It should have been me in your place.

I miss you Lea. I miss the love you gave me; I miss the love I was able to feel for you. You taught me what love was, only because of you I found out how wonderful that feeling is. Everyday I remind us together somewhere; at every moment some fragments of the past come to the surface and take control for some seconds.

My life is not a pretty sight to see, but at least I had those wonderful moments with you. You made it all worthwhile, and I’m not fantasizing. That night ice-skating on the frozen lake only with the stars above us… That will always be my idea of heaven! I would ice-skate with you on a frozen world for all eternity…

What happened between us was magic, and will always be the most precious memories of my life. I just hope I never lose my memory, and if I do I hope my conscience of the past goes along with it. Or, if my conscience abandons me, I hope some friend, who knows about this blog where I write to you, make me read it all and try to take me back to you! I want you still. I will want you always. I will go on loving Lea Lipková…

Please forgive me for being so imperfect...

Sometimes I think of you now and I imagine you as a little girl, alone, scared, lost… I imagine you happy when someone visits you, I imagine you smiling when someone talks to you, I imagine you curious when someone offers you something… But then I think of you being left alone again, in the dark, in the cold, with no-one to talk with you, with no-one to do you some company, with no-one to hold your hand if you get scared. Your road must be such a lonely one Lea… Unfortunately no-one can do it with you, and I’m sure you know I would be right by your side if I could. Today I imagined you smiling when I left that little angel in your grave and stood there for a little bit talking to you, but then I had to go, and that must have been a shock for you, that must have hurt you, and for that I’m so sorry Lea. I am so, so sorry. I miss you so much, my love. This world will never be the same without you here. This kind of thing should only happen when people get older, more prepared – if that’s possible –, and with more experience as to what life really is all about.

Sometimes every shining little inert thing makes me remind you and realize I’ll never see your shining eyes again, I’ll never hear your beautiful calm voice again, I’ll never hear your quiet laughter again, I’ll never feel the touch of your skin in mine, your lips in mine, your hair itching my nose again… You will never love me again, you just can’t anymore, and sometimes I think of a little girl, alone, lost, scared of the dark, not wanting to be alone, and I just feel so guilty for loving you so much and not being able to do anything. This is not fair to anyone Lea. I take no pleasure from living in a world without you. It will never be the same, for I have known you; for I have loved and have been loved by you… I love too much to be here without you, I think. I miss you too much, and I just can’t believe in any of this…

Hello Lea, my princess. My days now are kind of strange; my life is an almost perfect mess. Lately there’s always some new, unimagined and unexpected, reason for sorrow. I feel dizzy sometimes, nauseated, and some of those bad things that have been happening to me and to people with whom I have a connection almost make want to laugh like crazy! I can’t understand this, but I’m starting to feel disgusted. It’s like I’m losing my mind, although I know I am not; I feel like a sane person living in a surrealist reality! I live in a place where I don’t belong; this is very far from anything I would conceive as fiction! This is bad fiction, it can’t be real, although if I cut myself the wound bleeds, and it still hurts... and so I’m well awake.

All the bad things happening made me feel someone has made some kind of pact with the devil on my behalf, without me knowing, and now the time has finally come for me to repay it! But that’s not true also. I never made any sort of pact, and if I did I would never have chosen to live life the way I’ve been doing; it would have been better, much better. Nothing great, or lasting, as ever happened to justify some sort o pact, but sometimes I feel I’m being punished; sometimes I feel that, for some reason, I’m paying back something. I feel I’m paying for something I didn’t get, although I have never had anything more but my imagination! In Slovakia I felt safer than I do here. In Slovakia I didn’t felt so lonely; I could always find you! You are not here...

I love you Lea. I miss you, always...

There are moments when everything seems to be falling apart my love. My days are a mess, I can see no future ahead, and bad things keep happening. Sometimes all I want is to close my eyes and remember you Lea. Only that stops, somehow, the pain. How I wish all this could be just a phase, some sort of final test before being able to hold you forever. I don’t seem to be able to write or think clearly anymore. I have lots of ideas about things I have to do, but those ideas are colliding with each other inside my mind, and it seems I’m nothing but a helpless spectator. How I miss you Lea... If only you were with me I would be so much stronger! You took away my fear. I love you so much!

People still ask me how am I doing, but I don’t know. How am I doing? How can I be doing? I’m alive, right? Am I OK? I think so, but I don’t know much more… I just know that every time I think of you, or remember something, it hurts and I feel sadness and anger. I miss you so much Lea. I love you.

My princess, I’m sorry for not being able to write to you everyday, but you know you never leave my thoughts. Yesterday I went out with some friends for dinner and some drinks and after all this time I managed to laugh a little again. And while I was doing it I was kind of amazed with myself, I don’t really know why. I know life will go on and soon I’ll be doing all the things I always did, laughing included, but today, while resting a little in bed at home, there you were again in my thoughts! I can’t help it, I just start remembering you holding me and resting your head on my chest, my arms around you, and there I go again... I miss you so much Lea! So much!

Sometimes I wonder if I have the right to be feeling the way I do. What we felt for each other was beautiful, it was true, it was strong, but also it was so recent. Our love hasn’t had time; to grow, to perish, whatever… It just hasn’t had time. And so, sometimes I wonder if I should be feeling like this, if it’s right. Were you mine just because you loved me when you died Lea?

I know you were loving me, just as you knew I was loving you deeply, but time took away from us a thing called “history together”! We had some, alright, but so short… I only remember your last words to me and your proposal for us to live together somewhere, not in Slovakia and not in Portugal. Those are some of the few things that still shine in my heart, and so I hope it’s alright for me to be feeling the way I do, loving you the way I still do, and missing you like I do… because all of those things are the most truthful part of me now.

Dovidenia Lea, môj laska...

My sweet princess, today I noticed couples holding hands and kissing on the street. And you will never have no one kissing you anymore, holding you... It's so unfair Lea! And you were so much loved! I miss you too much my darling.

My love, I’ve met you in Autumn, and we lived our love mainly in Winter. Now we begin to feel the warmth of Spring here in Portugal, and Summer will come soon, but I will never know what it feels like to hold you on warm days, with light clothes, and walk hand in hand with you without feeling cold. Every day I find a new way of missing you. And I’m sure there are so many ways of missing I haven’t experienced yet that sometimes the future scares me. I love you Lea, so much...

I miss your kisses Lea. I miss you hands touching me. I miss your laughter and kissing you. I still can't believe it won't happen anymore, and that I won’t see you again. Everytime I look at one of your pictures I can't describe what I feel! It's bad. Also I feel more lonely here than I did in Banská Bystrica. In here I feel you much too far.

For years I have had this tendency of taking pictures in cemeteries. I haven’t taken many, it’s true, but have spent hours taking pictures in cemeteries, in Rome, in Paris, in Porto… And I always looked particularly for one thing: angels’ statues.

Those statues in cemeteries, some of them of great beauty and expression, were meant for the dead. Pieces of art never intended to be amongst the living. By taking pictures of some of them I always had in my mind the intention of one day putting together an exhibition. That way, what was produced for the dead would find somehow a way into the world of the living, where their beauty could be appreciated by many more. Angels would, then, find a way into this world again, sort of saying...

And now, my love, you’re in a cemetery too, resting eternally. I have not taken pictures of yours – I wonder if I will ever do that again somewhere – but the irony of it is that now, in Vlkanová where you rest, lies the most beautiful angel I could ever imagined existing. The only one I can never photograph anymore, who loved me and was much loved by me.

Yesterday I woke up tired from a sleep filled with dreams, and today I dreamt I had fallen in the Danube, lost my camera, where I had all my pictures of our last Christmas together, and suddenly you came from nowhere just to help me, and I was crying... And then I had lost your ring too, but that one you found, and when you picked it up it wasn’t a ring anymore but a beautiful necklace with silver petals... Pain does not stop! Also several times, everyday, some moment comes to my mind, some expression of yours, some sound, some conversations, some intimate moments. And then I miss you, and then it hurts, and so here I am constantly learning what it means to be really alone.

I love you Lea.

Only earth will fill one day the hole I have within me. How I miss you, my sweet princess…

I write these words already on my way home, my love. Leaving Slovakia was not an easy thing to do, as you can imagine. Also the beginning of the journey was very complicated but, well, here I am already in Munich, waiting for the connection to Lisbon.

The staff of the Cerveny Rak pub was amazing with me. They told me that table, by your picture, will always be mine. Sometimes I got there and someone was already sitting, and so one of the staff always came to ask them to leave to another table, so I could have that one. I was offered beer, pizza, conversations, emotions and I will return as soon as I can. To be with you and to say them hello, too. I left the oldest waitress my old student card, of when I was 20, so they can see I wasn’t always like that.

I feel sad and tired today, with a huge hole inside. A huge hole.

I love you. I miss you.

Hello Lea, my love. Today is my last day in Banská Bystrica. Tomorrow I will leave Slovakia, and so today I went to see you one more time in Vlkanová. I left you a little angel over your tombstone, to keep you company. I hope you like it, she’s not as pretty as you, but she’s pretty alright.

My mind is a mess again, you know why. And physically I’m not been feeling well also. Even walking is painful sometimes. I just feel so tired of everything. I remember wishing you wouldn't feel cold in there...

Sometimes some thoughts, some memories, come into my mind. But many of those memories immediately disappear, even before I can see them clearly, even before I can remind the entire moment, of when and where they happened. I’m caught in a web of emotions, some good and some bad, and sometimes I even have the feeling that some of those emotions do not belong to me.

I know I should remember only what you have told me, that you loved me, that you missed me in bed in the morning when you wake up, that you wanted to live with me somewhere. I know that, but unfortunately other things also come to the surface sometimes, blurring everything.

How come you loved someone so messed up as I am will always be a mystery to me, and a miracle also. I thank you for that and for all the good things you made me feel. You made me realize that maybe I deserve love, and that maybe love is all that matters in this world. But who's going to love me, now you're gone? Maybe I just need time, my precious angel. Maybe something good will happen.

Here I am at the table next to your photograph, drinking one last beer with you in my heart, trying to say goodbye. I will return as soon as I can. I love you, never forget that. I miss you so much…

Hello my love. Tomorrow I’ll go to Vlkanová to see you once more. I bought a little girl with butterfly wings to put over your grave stone, to keep you company.

The day after tomorrow I’ll be leaving Slovakia. I hope to return soon. I want to ask your forgiveness about the way I’m feeling right now. I'm feeling so empty, so stupid, so unnecessary... But everything is over now, anyway.

I love you. I miss you.

Hello my love. Again, here I am sitting next to your picture. In here I feel more in peace, if that’s possible. But I feel alright, it’s as if you were physically present. I will leave Slovakia next Thursday, but before that I want to go again to Vlkanová, alone this time, to sit a little in your grave, so we can talk.

It is done, my love. Your ashes were put in your family grave in Vlkanová. There were just me and your parents, and your brother.

I had only this moment, when I laid down the three red roses I got for you, over the grave stone. I realised I had never given you a flower, not ever. But I turned away for some seconds, and I think no one noticed it. Plus, it was a honour for me to be removing the stone with your father and brother, and then putting it back again. And I have no right to feel more pain then the pain I'm sure they were feeling.

I don't know why I am telling you all this, I'm sure all this you know. I just wish you rest in peace now, and need to talk with you from time to time.

You came into my life because you had to, I believe. And you came to give me something. I will find out what it is.

I love you Lea.

I'm glad I'm here my love. It's not easy, but it's being very important. Now I know where to find you. Each day is a new stage, and at the end of each day I feel somehow stronger. Thank you for having came into my life.

Here I am, my love, in the density of the city in which you were born, where you lived your life, where we had wonderful moments. To have come here again, in these conditions, was very hard. I must tell you this, although I’m sure you knew it already. Yesterday, when I started to see Banská Bystrica in the distance through the bus window, the feeling was indescribable. I felt an urge to cry and, at the same time, an immense peacefulness. After so many hours travelling and a night without sleep you have no idea of how much my head ached. Each tear coming out from my eyes caused the headache to rise to unbearable limits and an immense burning feeling in my eyes, and so I didn’t shed many tears. Physical exhaustion and pain prevented me from that.

Your parents came to meet me at the bus station and we went to dinner together, and some “piva”, at the place where we’ve been with your friends just before Christmas; that place you used to go, where you took me, where your parents and grandparents used to go too. It was very nice of them. Your brother joined us latter, and there was a group there saying poetry at the sound of music, Spanish guitar and a traditional Eastern Europe instrument like a xylophone. I didn’t understood a word of what they were saying, of course, but I really liked the sound and the rhythm of it. The way it was said, and the sonority of Slovak language – you knew I just loved to hear you talk, the sound of your words – made it all very beautiful. I even heard García Lorca in slovak! Plus I noticed, in the wall at the end of the room, someone had put a picture of you, one taken that night we were together in there with your friends. I have that picture of you too, but that one in there, in that pub wall, is in black and white and has a black stripe on it, diagonally. Suddenly I didn’t believed again what has happened to you, and another tear rolled down (I must get used to this feeling), and again the pain made me stop.

Today I was planning to see you. I thought you were in the cemetery in Banská Bystrica, and my intentions were to go and spend some time with you. But your mother told me yesterday that weather conditions didn’t allowed for you to be put in your final resting place yet. She also told me they’re planning to do that this Saturday, if weather allows. You will rest in Vlkanová, in a family grave. It was kind of a shock for me, I must admit, to be imagining you somewhere, still here, and not being able anymore to visit you! But now I hope the weather allows for the ceremony to happen this Saturday, because it would be very good for me to be present at that last moment of yours, to be there for you the moment your body will touch the ground.

All of this is still like a nightmare, but be as it may that’s life: it ends. You didn’t had time for so many things, we didn’t had time for fulfilling so many plans and desires, but you experienced life, and we had moments and feelings together no one will ever take away from us. I must try to remember that always, whenever I get sad, whenever I feel lonely, whenever I miss you. You had a life, you lived it, you managed to be much loved, and your last months on this earth you loved someone for whom you were the most beautiful, extraordinary and special element of this world. And so I must feel much honored to be present when your body will be put to the ground, my love. One day mine will be there too. If your buriel happens this Saturday I will feel proud to be present, maybe to justify all your other moments in which I wasn’t. And I will know how to deal with the pain Lea, because I love you, for better or for worse.

Hello my love. I’ve packed a few things, and in a while I will shut down my computer and leave. I’m starting today the journey towards you. Tomorrow by the end of the day I’ll be once more in your city, and hopefully the day after tomorrow (the 5th, like the day of your birthday) I’ll be again next to you, my little princess.

So I just wanted to tell you one more time before I go that I love you, that I miss you, that a world without you has too much echo… Guide my way to you now, and be with me always Lea, even if I love again. Don’t give up on me.

Hello my beautiful love. Tomorrow night I’m traveling to Lisbon, at last. My flight is at 6 in the morning and I hope to be in your city around 5 in the afternoon. I believe only Thursday I’ll be able to be next to you my love, but now we don’t need to hurry no more, right? We have no more decisions to make together; I won’t go to Slovakia in May to meet you no more, we won’t be going to Ukraine after all, we don’t need to think about solutions to live together any more, there will never be children from our love… fate decided everything for us. Maybe someone, somewhere, thought we were much too stupid to make our own decisions, or much too undeserving of a future together, of happiness… I don’t know what to think anymore, I feel too tired.

Anyway, soon I will be next to you, at your final resting place. Guide my way Lea, only you can do that. You are free now.

Hello my love! Another stupid Sunday as gone by. I always found Sundays stupid, never liked them, but now they’re even worse: you’re not here anymore to be my goal. And today rain came again to make everything even sadder.

I remember the first night we slept together! It was from the 24th to the 25th of December! When we woke up it was Christmas morning and I opened my eyes and you were looking at me, with those bright eyes of yours. I remember having said my wish had come true! There I was with you Lea! There was my biggest present ever…

Well, I just want to tell you I love you. But you know that, my little princess…