quinta-feira, 5 de março de 2009

Here I am, my love, in the density of the city in which you were born, where you lived your life, where we had wonderful moments. To have come here again, in these conditions, was very hard. I must tell you this, although I’m sure you knew it already. Yesterday, when I started to see Banská Bystrica in the distance through the bus window, the feeling was indescribable. I felt an urge to cry and, at the same time, an immense peacefulness. After so many hours travelling and a night without sleep you have no idea of how much my head ached. Each tear coming out from my eyes caused the headache to rise to unbearable limits and an immense burning feeling in my eyes, and so I didn’t shed many tears. Physical exhaustion and pain prevented me from that.

Your parents came to meet me at the bus station and we went to dinner together, and some “piva”, at the place where we’ve been with your friends just before Christmas; that place you used to go, where you took me, where your parents and grandparents used to go too. It was very nice of them. Your brother joined us latter, and there was a group there saying poetry at the sound of music, Spanish guitar and a traditional Eastern Europe instrument like a xylophone. I didn’t understood a word of what they were saying, of course, but I really liked the sound and the rhythm of it. The way it was said, and the sonority of Slovak language – you knew I just loved to hear you talk, the sound of your words – made it all very beautiful. I even heard García Lorca in slovak! Plus I noticed, in the wall at the end of the room, someone had put a picture of you, one taken that night we were together in there with your friends. I have that picture of you too, but that one in there, in that pub wall, is in black and white and has a black stripe on it, diagonally. Suddenly I didn’t believed again what has happened to you, and another tear rolled down (I must get used to this feeling), and again the pain made me stop.

Today I was planning to see you. I thought you were in the cemetery in Banská Bystrica, and my intentions were to go and spend some time with you. But your mother told me yesterday that weather conditions didn’t allowed for you to be put in your final resting place yet. She also told me they’re planning to do that this Saturday, if weather allows. You will rest in Vlkanová, in a family grave. It was kind of a shock for me, I must admit, to be imagining you somewhere, still here, and not being able anymore to visit you! But now I hope the weather allows for the ceremony to happen this Saturday, because it would be very good for me to be present at that last moment of yours, to be there for you the moment your body will touch the ground.

All of this is still like a nightmare, but be as it may that’s life: it ends. You didn’t had time for so many things, we didn’t had time for fulfilling so many plans and desires, but you experienced life, and we had moments and feelings together no one will ever take away from us. I must try to remember that always, whenever I get sad, whenever I feel lonely, whenever I miss you. You had a life, you lived it, you managed to be much loved, and your last months on this earth you loved someone for whom you were the most beautiful, extraordinary and special element of this world. And so I must feel much honored to be present when your body will be put to the ground, my love. One day mine will be there too. If your buriel happens this Saturday I will feel proud to be present, maybe to justify all your other moments in which I wasn’t. And I will know how to deal with the pain Lea, because I love you, for better or for worse.