There are two of me, now more than ever. None of them is any good, though. One is lost and the other slowly loosing his mind. Remember stuff is all I do these days, and have been having really strange thoughts frequently. I need help but don’t know which way to turn. I want to move somewhere but am kind of frozen, as when I was a kid, afraid of spiders, wanting to run away but unable to move. Not a day goes by without me being hurt again my love, just like you were dying constantly, day after day, week after week, month after month. How I miss you! Sometimes that monstrous day when I received the awful news of your accident comes to my mind, and it’s like I’m there, back then, feeling all the pain and grief again. There’s no need of talking about the consequences of all this, you know how it goes. I’m almost dry, I don’t even know how I can still be feeling the way I do.
I need work so much! I need to wake up in the morning, having the day filled, interact with other people, earn my living, smile sometimes, and going to sleep tired each day. This is not intended to forget you, but to try and face it all without you, and you know that. I can’t stand anymore going to bed just dreaming of you and waking up some hours after, feeling empty, soured, more distant of everything each day. But even that looks like something well beyond my reach! There’s no work for me here, and I feel there’s really nothing I’m good at. I feel I’m part of nothing. All I am is what I feel for you Lea, but it is not enough. It can’t be! Where am I in the middle of my own world? Would you be proud of what I am?