sexta-feira, 20 de fevereiro de 2009

Hello my love. First of all I’m sorry for not have write you yesterday, but there will be days when it is impossible, others of no inspiration… That doesn’t mean, absolutely, that I forgot about you. There’s no chance of that happening. You never leave my thoughts, you couldn’t…

I want you to know there’s a chance for me to go back to Africa. I didn’t told you anything because I didn’t wanted it really, and because it was just a possibility, anyway. Nothing solid. Also because I knew that it would be very difficult for you to come with me, though I think you would want. With your lack of skin pigmentation, as you told me, it would be very bad for you to be there. And all I wanted was to be near you. Also, Africa being what it is, at least some parts, it scared me a little to be there for almost 4 years. It still scares me, in a way, although I always tended to do precisely the things that scared me!

Now I’m thinking about it seriously. Today I was lost in my thoughts about you and I realized there’s nothing for me here. I’m just going crazy without a purpose in life! What am I doing here? Why should I stay? Why should I be scared now to go back again? After all, it’s where I came from, where I was born… Maybe I can go back to Angola, my homeland, for a 4 year PhD, and I also have the possibility of going to Guinea-Bissau, or Guinea-Conakry for some months to study chimpanzees, as I’ve told you about last Christmas.

The idea of going now, me being so fragmented and fragile, is kind of scary. I can feel really lost in there, or, on the other hand, I can find something I need. I don’t know. Anyway, the only thing that really could scare me for real already happened. The only thing I really could NOT lose I have lost already. No-one will ever take anything more I need away from me. You see, I don’t need to be afraid no more. Your death changed everything, and why should I be scared now? What more can I lose now? My life? I have to laugh!

I just love you and think about you every moment. I still don’t know how I can try to fill the huge place you left empty inside me. Maybe nothing, ever, will be enough... I don’t know. Maybe it's suposed to be like that for ever, empty! In a way I feel in peace now, but I don’t feel right anymore. One thing I know: now you can come with me everywhere! The sun won't hurt you no more.