quarta-feira, 11 de fevereiro de 2009

When we were walking down the hills near Banská Bystrica I told you about an idea of mine: through photographs build an imaginary home. I don’t know if you realized it but in a way what I was telling you was that I needed for so many years to find mine, and that moment I was sure I’d found it. It was only imaginary for the moment; we still needed to work so many things out if we wanted to stay together finally. But still I already knew where my home was. My home was you Lea. After so many years of travelling I finally was sure where I wanted to be: close to you.

It was very strange, and good, to wake up by your side. I had never waken up with someone kissing me gently, caressing my hair and face, as if you didn’t really wanted to wake me up. It was amazing to open my eyes and see you looking closely at me. That is what I want every day for the rest of my life, but we both know now that I won’t have it no more, right?

Now you will never have any idea of how happy you made me every time I received a message from you saying thing like “my love, I love you and miss you too much”! Those messages meant the world to me! I couldn’t wait to see you and hold you in my arms again, tight, very close to me. I should have held you harder when we were together. I should have fused you into my body. At least I should not have returned to Portugal! But we were supposed to be together again soon, you know that. What happened to you could never cross my mind. Sometimes I still believe you will appear in front of me. Sometimes I still believe we’ll be together and happy. I'm so, so proud that you love me!

One thing makes my sorrow ease: at least your last days in this world were spent knowing that I LOVED YOU UNCONDITIONALLY. You knew that there was nothing in this world I loved and wanted more than you and, knowing that, you loved me too. It was like living a dream. You didn’t knew, but you made my biggest dream come true my love. Suddenly my happiness was much too big for my soul to hold. Either way, you changed me forever.

How will I go on without you I still don’t know. I’m scared my love. I’m feeling lonely as I never thought someone could feel, and so I’m a bit scared. But, on the other hand, I know now I will never be alone again, because you’re with me always (as you already were when you were alive). The difference is that now I want to be you too. I want you to come inside me and live through me. I want to act as you did, I want to speak as you did, I want to walk as you did, I want to remember to like the things you did, I would love to do in life what you would want to do. Because I love you, and because loving you will make me love myself more too. Do I make any sense?

You know, I don’t know how many times I have to say I LOVE YOU until this incredible pain goes away… Maybe if you could just come back to get me would be easier. The same way I told you I love you, I also want you to know that if you could come for me I would hold your hand and go without questions. Of course I know it’s only fantasy, but if you’re hearing me I want you to be sure. I would hold your hand and gave up everything just to be with you and to love you forever.

There’s no logic in what happened to you my love, and so I’m so sorry if what I say stops making sense. I just love you and have no idea of what to do with this love now. You gave me life and someone took yours away from you.

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