segunda-feira, 16 de fevereiro de 2009

With these words, however imperfect, what I’m really expressing is my eternal love. I decided to write them here because, I think, I want the world – or at least the small part of it that by chance ends up in this web page – to witness what is still happening. Also, I decided to write only in English because that was the language in which we met, and which we both used to communicate with one another. Of course I could think in one of two ways: now, either you understand all the languages, or you understand none anymore. I prefer to think you understand them all, but still I will use the language of our love.

You know, I never believed in love, to be completely honest. I always thought, and in a way I still do, that people are too much self-centered and egotistical. And maybe that’s not bad, maybe that’s only a means for survival. But YOU made me want to believe in that crazy concept we call love, simply because you were the most loveable human being I have ever met in my life. And, to top it all, you loved me! That amazed me.

Of course now that you’re gone from this world is quite simple to write this, to feel this. We won’t be able anymore to see how far our love would go, right? Where it would take us. But what’s also true is that I already felt it when you were alive. I had the chance, at least, to tell you eye to eye and in words what I felt. Nevertheless, my love, I wish I could have told you more, much more. I wish I could have held you harder in my arms, and for longer, and that I could have kissed you more, and done more of so many other things... Now I wish I had exhausted you with my love. I didn’t wanted to scare you away, or give you a wrong impression, and so I restrained myself from saying, or doing, so many things. I felt you did it also! But you know people sometimes need space, so they say… People sometimes need time, so they say… People sometimes need to think things over and over again before deciding or assuming something, so they say… And so we did, my love. We were much too polite, maybe! We wanted to make it right, and I tried to be a gentleman with you all the time, although what I desired the most, most of the time, was to be very basic. You changed my chemistry and all my cells were attracted to you. Also my desire for you was to big to put in words... At least I think you realized that. I'm sure you did...

Every time I went to bed, since I came from Slovakia, I always felt asleep imagining you lying sideways, all curled up as you used to do, very close to me. One of your arms over me, one of your hands holding one of mine, as we used to sleep… That was how I felt asleep, looking forwards toward May, when we would rejoin and do it again for real, if only time had given us the chance. But time didn’t gave YOU a chance and deprived us permanently from being together. And to you it did worse, it took the possibility of living your life with me – or with someone else – away from you. And I say this because there was always the possibility for you to know someone better than me. After all I just loved you without knowing what love really is; without knowing if I was doing you good. I’m almost sure I was, though, although sometimes I felt you were sad for us to be so distant… That's what happens when you love a person with nothing on its pockets… I hadn’t had a chance to decide to stay with you, or not to stay. It was not my choice. For the moment it was out of my reach, although I was trying to find a solution that would allow us to be together permanently. Too late...

Still, you told me yourself that you knew how big and true my love for you was. And it really was, it really was. And so, despite the words I will use here, or even despite the fact that one day, for some reason, I stop writing, or write less frequently, my love for you made me realize how wonderful life can be, and how insignificant some things really are.

In a way I was prepared – or preparing – to lose many things in life, many people even. But I was absolutely NOT prepared to lose you! Now I don’t know if what I feel is anger, self-pity, hope, peacefulness, emptiness… I just know that I miss you! That’s what rules my days now: missing you. And maybe missing you will be enough reason to go on, so I can honour you and the love we shared for the rest of my life. Time didn’t gave us a chance, and so I see no reason now to give TIME a chance back.

I will go on loving you.