I won’t let you die Lea. Little by little I start to forget your expressions, your face, your smile… I always had this problem, you knew it. I can’t hold physical traits for long. So, very often, I need to look at one of your photographs. And then I feel this urge to cry, I am sorry. I don’t even know anymore if it is for you that I cry, or me, or us. I just feel this isn’t right. This is not fair – assuming fairness had a place in this world. But God is a joke.
The moments we had were the most magical moments any human being could have. And they happened to us! And they were so precious that I don’t really know if I want to live my life in their absence anymore. Will I love again? And if I do, what will that say about me? Won’t I be just another biological being, with feelings left aside to a second plan? Where will humanity, then, fit in me?
The idea of loving again hurts me as much as the idea of not experiencing love anymore in my life. But if I love again who will I be loving for real, some other person? How can I stop loving you? Will I ever be honest with others? Does it matter?
A million thoughts cross my mind every instant, and lately I’ve been remembering fragile moments of ours. Suddenly, they just find a way to my mind, and there they are! There YOU are again! And it is painful to realize they will never cease to be only memories.
I remembered the day I gave you your Christmas present: you opened it sitting on my lap and we just stood there kissing. If kissing had a meaning that was it! I felt you as something much too precious to touch, to put in words. The way we kissed and touched each other was just like as if we didn’t belong to this world anymore. We were so distant from it! And we just stood there, for what seemed hours, and the warmth of your body made me wish to have a daughter just like you. I love you and, at the same time, wished you were my daughter! I loved you completely. And now, how many boxes will I need to store away all this emotions? I don’t want to let you go Lea. I don’t want to let you die. Please don’t die my love.
You would only die if everyone who loved you would stop doing so, if they would stop remembering. But don’t be afraid, even if everyone else stops remembering you… You will always have me. As long as I live I won’t let you go, I won’t let you die. I love you so much, still, that my life will be nothing more than my love for you. I may even love again, but my love for you will always be a constant, maybe my damnation… I don’t care. There’s nothing in this world that can take that away from me.
I miss you so much! At least you will never know how hard it is to miss someone as much as I miss you…